Since the eruption of Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajokull, the International ATA reports that airlines have lost over $1.7 billion.

What!?!

Yeah, I know that European air travel was halted for a period of time because of the volcanic eruption in Iceland, and that sucks… But I’m more concerned about how someone comes up with the outrageous name Eyjafjallajokull (“AY-yah-fyah-lah-YOH-kuul”).

Now that makes perfect sense.

In the first days after the iPad’s announcement, some media and many online commenters criticized the name “iPad”, noting its similarity to “pad”, the common name for a sanitary napkin. Shortly after the launch announcement, the hashtag “iTampon” became #1 on Twitter.

The only thing we’ll have to worry about is whether iffy Wifi coverage be called iSpotting…

Others noted that “iPad” sounds like “iPod” in various regional accents, including Bostonian and the Irish accent. That’s not surprising, considering it’s just an oversized iPod.

All things considered, the iMat is definitely a better investment than the iPad. I’ll wait until 2014 for that to come out. Huzzah! Giant Dance Dance Revolution! Ugh iNeed an Advil.

The sport is still stupid, but now easier to understand.

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CLOVIS, N.M. (AP) — A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.

“I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry,” school Principal Diana Russell said.

State police, Clovis police and the Curry County Sheriff’s Department arrived at the school shortly after 8:30 a.m. They searched the premises and determined there was no immediate danger.

In the meantime, more than 30 parents, alerted by a radio report, descended on the school. Visibly shaken, they gathered around in a semi-circle, straining their necks, awaiting news.

“There needs to be security before the kids walk through the door,” said Heather Black, whose son attends the school.

After the lockdown was lifted but before the burrito was identified as the culprit, parents pulled 75 students out of school, Russell said.

Russell said the mystery was solved after she brought everyone in the school together in the auditorium to explain what was going on.

“The kid was sitting there as I’m describing this (report of a student with a suspicious package) and he’s thinking, ‘Oh, my gosh, they’re talking about my burrito.’”

Afterward, eighth-grader Michael Morrissey approached her.

“He said, ‘I think I’m the person they saw,’” Russell said.

The burrito was part of Morrissey’s extra-credit assignment to create commercial advertising for a product.

“We had to make up a product and it could have been anything. I made up a restaurant that specialized in oddly large burritos,” Morrissey said.

After students heard the description of what police were looking for, he and his friends began to make the connection. He then took the burrito to the office.

Apart from Facebook comments, I had plenty of people text to wish me a happy birthday and a couple more call. Here are some of my favorites:

Susan Hargrave
Hazel Harwood
Ann Combes
Alex Glac
Philip Beechler
Wanda Hayes

And as for birthday presents, I got an awesome pair of Chucks from my friend, David Menzen, and two cards from my mom — one with money and one with a mushy gushy sentiment. Thanks, guys!

Wisdom teeth are third molars that usually appear between the ages of 17 and 24 (although they may appear when older, younger, or may not appear at all). They are commonly removed when they affect other teeth (become impacted), colloquially known as “coming in sideways.”

Wisdom teeth are often described as an example of a “vestigial” trait. Some argue that recent changes to softer diets which cause less wear on the teeth may be causing the third molars to be less useful, and, in fact, problematic in many humans. Alternately, it is possible that wisdom teeth were useful when it was common for humans to lose several teeth to decay by the age when they appear. They are generally thought to be called wisdom teeth because they appear so late, at an age where people are supposedly wiser than as a child when the other teeth erupt. Wide mind, not wise teeth.

Unfortunately, I have to have mine removed during my Spring Break. Yep. Another holiday sacrificed to surgery. Make sure to keep me in mind as I go under the knife 03/16/10 at 11:00am!

The safeguards that are employed in airport security policy are found using the “best response dynamic”: Each player chooses the optimal response to their opponent’s strategy from the last period. So, the T.S.A. best-responds to the shoe bomber Richard Reid and a terrorist plot to blow up planes with liquid explosives. We end up taking our shoes off and having tiny tubes of toothpaste in Ziplock bags. So, a terrorist best-responds by having a small device divided into constituent parts and hidden in his underwear. One part has to be injected into another via a syringe and the complications that ensue prevent the successful detonation of the bomb. In this sense, each player is best-responding to the other and the airport security policy, by making it a bit harder to carry on a complete bomb, succeeded with a huge dose of good luck thrown in.

What should we learn from the newest attempt to blow up an airplane?

First and most obviously, the best way to minimize the impact of terrorism is to stop terrorists before they can even get close to us. This appears to be the main failure of security policy in the recent incident – more focus on intelligence and filtering of watch lists is vital. Second, the best response dynamic should not be the only way to inform policy. There are already rumors that no-one will be allowed to walk around for the last hour of the flight or have personal items on their lap. Terrorists will respond to these policies by blowing up planes earlier in flight. Does that make anyone feel any safer or the terrorists less successful? The main problem is that terrorists are thinking up new schemes to get to nuclear power stations, kidnap Americans abroad and other horrible things that should being brainstormed and pre-empted. The best response dynamic is backward looking and cannot forecast these problems or their solutions. This second point is also obvious. The fact that a boy whose father turned him in got on a plane with a bomb suggests that even obvious points are worth making.

Honestly, I’m not concerned about being the 1 person in 10,408,947 to die from a terrorist attack on a flight. Be it an underwear bomb, a fire-breathing terrorist, or a toothpick, this is not going to dissuade me from flying. What I’m more worried about is losing my freedom. I don’t want to be searched from head to toe going through security — it’s just not flattering. I remember when my father chartered a private jet to carry the family to Florida — we drove right up to the plane, got on, and took off.

All these counter-terrorism measures are going to do is pump up the severity of the attacks as suspected terrorists compete for better ways to pass our security. Yet our freedom is still sacrificed. As they say: “Make something terrorist-proof and they’ll make a better terrorist”.

And as for Washington, D.C., (the capitol of the United States of America, that is), the City Council voted Tuesday to legalize gay marriage, giving supporters a victory after a string of recent defeats elsewhere and sending the issue to Congress, which has final say over laws in the nation’s capital.

Mayor Adrian Fenty has promised to sign the bill, which passed 11-2, and gay couples could begin marrying as early as March if Congress allows it to become law. Democratic congressional leaders have suggested they are reluctant to get involved, though gay marriage opponents say they will try to get it overturned either in Congress or at the polls.

Federal lawmakers declined to weigh in the last time they had a chance, after the council voted in May to recognize gay marriages performed elsewhere. Congress let that bill become law without taking any action, avoiding what could have amounted to a referendum on gay marriage.

The bill that passed Tuesday had overwhelming support among council members and the outcome was no surprise. Two members said “I do” when their turn came to vote, and a packed chamber erupted into cheers and clapping when the bill passed.

“Make no mistake, 2009 has been one hell of a year for marriage equality,” said David Catania, who introduced the bill and is one of two openly gay council members.

The “no” votes included former mayor Marion Barry, who said, “I don’t,” when it was his turn.

If the bill becomes law, the district will join Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts and Vermont in issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. They will be able to wed in New Hampshire starting in January.

Gay marriage supporters have had less success elsewhere recently. Maine voters overturned the state’s same-sex marriage law last month. Earlier this month, the New York state Senate rejected a bill that would have allowed gay couples to marry. And New Jersey’s legislature, which had been working on a same-sex marriage bill, postponed a recent vote when the measure appeared headed for defeat.

Tuesday’s vote in the district came after several months of discussion, including two marathon council hearings at which some 250 witnesses testified.

Opponents included the Archdiocese of Washington, which said it might have to stop providing adoptions and other services because the law would force it to extend benefits to same-sex couples.

“Today the District of Columbia joined a handful of states where legislatures or courts have redefined marriage to include persons of the same sex,” the archdiocese said in a statement after the vote.

The law will likely take effect around St. Patrick’s Day in this city of 600,000, which is about 1/17th the size of Rhode Island. Congress has 30 working days to reject it, but that has happened with similar legislation just three times in the past 25 years.

Still, opponents plan to try. Members of a group called Stand4Marriage, led by local pastor Bishop Harry Jackson, have met with members of Congress to urge them to oppose the bill.

Attorney Cleta Mitchell said that after Fenty signs the bill, the group will ask a district elections board to put a referendum on the ballot asking voters to overturn it. She said in a statement before the vote that the law is a “decision for the people, not a dozen people at city hall.”

The group Mitchell represents made a similar request this summer, when the city passed a law recognizing gay marriages legally performed in other states. The board declined to put the issue on the ballot, saying that would violate a city human rights law.

The group also has a lawsuit pending from earlier this year, when it tried to get an initiative on the ballot asking voters to define marriage as between a man and a woman. The elections board again cited the human rights law in saying no. A hearing in that case is scheduled for January.

Take that, America.

While this vote will certainly be a nail-biter (when, of course, it actually goes up for a vote after being postponed and later cancelled), why don’t we take a minute to enjoy a nice laugh…

Do you think that gay marriage is wrong just because the Bible states “You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination”(Leviticus 18:22)? How about several of these ordinary things that the Bible also has something to say about:

1. Round haircuts. See you in Hell, Beatles… and/or kids with bowl cuts, surfer cuts or (my favorite) butt cuts. Leviticus 19:27 reads “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.” Should we call this strike 1?
2. Football. At least, the pure version of football, where you play with a pigskin. The modern synthetic footballs are ugly and slippery anyways. Leviticus 11:8, which is discussing pigs, reads “You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.”
3. Fortune telling. Before you call a 900 number (do people still call 900 numbers, by the way?), read your horoscope or crack open a fortune cookie, realize you’re in huge trouble if you do. Leviticus 19:31 reads “Do not turn to mediums or spiritists; do not seek them out to be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God.” The penalty for that? Check Leviticus 20:6: “As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, I will also set My face against that person and will cut him off from among his people.”
4. Pulling out. The Bible doesn’t get too much into birth control… it’s clearly pro-populating but, back when it was written, no one really anticipated the condom or the sponge, so those don’t get specific bans. But… pulling out does. One of the most famous sexual-oriented Bible verses… the one that’s used as anti-masturbation rhetoric… is actually anti-pulling out. It’s Genesis 38:9-10: “Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also.” Yep — pull out and get smote. That’s harsh.
5. Tattoos. No tattoos. Leviticus 19:28 reads, “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.” Not even a little butterfly on your ankle, a kanji on your wrist, or even, fittingly enough, a cross.
6. Polyester, or any other fabric blends. The Bible doesn’t want you to wear polyester. Not just because it looks cheap. It’s sinfully unnatural. Leviticus 19:19 reads, “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” Check the tag on your shirt right now. Didn’t realize you were mid-sin at this exact second, did you? (Unless you checked the tag by rolling off your neighbor’s wife while you two were having anal sex in the middle of robbing a blind guy. Then your Lycra-spandex blend is really the least of your problems.)
7. Divorce. The Bible is very clear on this one: No divorcing. You can’t do it. Because when you marry someone, according to Mark 10:8, you “are no longer two, but one flesh.” And, Mark 10:9 reads, “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Mark gets even more hardcore about it a few verses later, in Mark 10:11-12, “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.” And, of course, that’s bad.
8. Wearing gold. 1 Timothy 2:9 doesn’t like your gold necklace at all. Or your pearl necklace. Or any clothes you’re wearing that you didn’t get from Forever 21, Old Navy or H&M. “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.” Doesn’t that make them… men?
9. Shellfish. Leviticus 11:10 reads, “But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.” And shellfish is right in that wheelhouse.

If you’re going to ignore the section of Leviticus that bans about tattoos, pork, shellfish, round haircuts, polyester and football, how can you possibly turn around and quote Leviticus 18:22 (“You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.”) as irrefutable law?

According to a T-Mobile representative:

We’re making good progress restoring voice and messaging service to affected customers. At this time, approximately 5 percent of T-Mobile customers are experiencing service disruptions. Issues began at approximately 5:30 p.m. Eastern time. Our rapid response team is working continuously to fully resolve this disruption. We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience that this has caused our customers.

5% my butt. It’s all over the country, and more importantly, it involves ME. I can’t do anything.

If you need me, email me until this is all straightened out.